It’s so hard…

I’m 50. I have chronic health issues that have rendered me disabled.
I’m a husband of 30 years, a father of just about the same amount of time.
I have 8 kids. 2 out on their own making their way in the world. Another going through a terrible separation and (probably) divorce who has come back home until they can get on their feet.
I have 4 amazing grandkids, one I don’t see often, but three that are living with me (see above).
I have another adult child just about to graduate high school, trying to figure their way in the world.

And I’m exhausted.

Everything seems really hard.

I want my kids to succeed. I want them to do great amazing things in the world. I want to be 100% supportive of all the choices they make, even if I don’t 100% agree with them.
But that is so very very hard.

I want my kids to pursue their spirituality. I want them to find their own way, I want them to always seek TRUTH, even if that pursuit takes them down roads that I have not traveled, or even if it takes them down roads I DID travel, but turned back because I found that path false.

But that is really really hard.

Parenthood is hard. I knew it would be hard. I knew having 8 kids would be hard. I wanted hard. I wanted the challenge. I wanted to love them and teach them and release them into the world knowing that would be hard.

And I’m exhausted. Physically and spiritually.

I was not prepared for how tired I would be at this point in their lives, at this point in my life.

When you’re 30 you never really think about what and who you will be at 40. Or 50. You never really imagine that at some point the wheels of life will fly off and crash you into disease and disability and pain. You always think, as a parent, that you’ll be able to be a great person for your kids and nothing prepares you for trying to parent from bed because pain has put you there for the day, the week, the month….. the year.

 

I don’t know what I hoped to accomplish with this rambling rant. Sometimes I just need to open the page and dump whatever is on my heart and mind. And today that is pain and exhaustion and frustration with my body and life and kids….

Can you relate?

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